The Mystery of Madame X

Hello Gentlemen –

It always happens to me about this time of year. All the stress of Christmas has evaporated, the tiny thrill of Valentine’s Day is over, and I’m just not drunk or Irish enough to look forward to St Patrick’s Day *that*  much. Even though we’ve been spoiled rotten with the weather this year (aside from the touch of snow today), it’s still been nearly 4 months since I’ve been able to comfortably enjoy my favorite outdoor activities. The days seem to drag along and race by all at once… I’ve got a severe case of cabin fever.

I normally fall victim to wanderlust quite easily, but I’ve stacked up some ambitious goals in Boston that look like they’re going to keep me pinned here for a while, much to my frustration. Of course, my friends in sunny California (who from I hear have not enjoyed quite an unusually warm winter as we’ve had?) have all called to remind me that the seals are coming in and posting pictures of their fluffy white puppiness on their facebook walls, making me wonder what the hell I got myself into out here, where I can only leave for 6 days at a time. Of course, I could go visit the Boston Harbor jellyfish, but they don’t bark and I can’t figure out what to feed them! While I do have an itch to scratch out on the West Coast, I’m afraid that this profound feeling of boredom can only be shaken by a trip to somewhere new (I hear AZ in nice), or at least someplace that I haven’t been in a while (every time I try to go to DC, something wonderfully magical happens to make me miss my flight down). Europe is a bit cold right now (though I do sneak out there more than you’d probably guess),  and if I go down to the Caribbean again I’m afraid I might not come back until May (but you’re welcome to try me). In short, I’m going stir crazy here, but I can’t seem to pick a place to go!

It’s not that I have absolutely *no* idea, but with a 6 day time limit most of the places on my bucket list (Galapagos, Bali, Costa Rica, etc) are probably better saved for some other time.  I’m just craving a quick change of scenery more than anything. New York doesn’t sound like a bad idea right now, DC sounds nice if I can actually get there, and San Francisco would be delightful is only the flight didn’t take up 2 out of my 6 available days – though worth it nonetheless, I’m sure 🙂 Really, I’m ambivalent, and I would really appreciate it if one of you nice gentlemen would help me make up my mind – so far I’ve managed to clear out the week of the 5th, but haven’t picked a destination to fill it with yet, lol.

To help distract me from the fact that we’re under freezing cold wind advisory right now and there’s not a *thing* I can do about it, I’ve been flipping through hotel websites and musing over possible destinations. I love hotels! At some point in my life I hope to stumble upon the world’s most perfect hotel – and though I’ve found favorites in several cities, no place has quite hit the perfect 10 spot for me yet. Some places have come pretty close though, and I really wish I call up the owners and congratulate them on their nice work, and hopefully keep them on the phone long enough to read them my list of howevers.

While I’ve read several marketing books that extol the virtues of adding upgrades and tiered service levels as a way to instantly add an alluring level of luxury to any business model, I *highly* disagree. As a woman that enjoys the experience of several service based industries and actually partakes in consumer culture, there’s nothing that irks me more than being nickeled and dimed. True, I’ve got plenty of nickels, and plenty of dimes, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be reminded of how much money I’m spending every 5 minutes. Besides, wouldn’t it be in the best interest of the establishment to let me loose track of how much I’m spending, and disconnect the positive aspects of the experience from the financial aspects? Wouldn’t it then be a win for them if, having carefully considered all the possible expenses I might incur (at the same time thoughtfully anticipating my needs) during my stay and rolling it all in to one generous up-front fee, I decided not to indulge in every single option? I cringe at the presentation of available upgrades, and smile at the prospect of complimentary services. Hotels that offer, but do not include, mind numbingly simple amenities such as wifi, airport shuttles, 24 hour coffee service, and simple things like that should be slapped. If I call down to the front desk and ask for a corkscrew, only to be gently reminded that there’s going to be a $3 fee for the privilege of opening my bottle, I’m going to attempt to open it with my shoe (it’s possible!), and unapologetically wreck the carpet as a result. If it’s raining, and the hotel offers me their branded umbrella for $10, I’m just going to let my hair get wet while I walk down to the McD’s to use their *free* wifi – unless I had the forethought to bring my cantenna, which I’m sure will look lovely hanging out their window. Short story – upsells are cheesy. If I go to the In&Out burger and pay 30¢ a slice for extra cheese, I can deal with that. However, I do not expect fast food service at a luxury hotel, even if they decide to French it up and try to convince me that they’re not being cheap, they’re actually progressively à la carte.  Sounds like merde to me! Carte Blanche – that’s how I roll.

I enjoy ambitious design. After all, if I wanted a place to look like a nice apartment, I would have just stayed home. Mirrored ceilings, heart shaped hot tubs, naked statues… why are all those fun goodies available at no-tells, but not to be found at the places with price tags that would indicate they could actually afford to make every room into a mini-amusement park? One of my favorite NYC hotels has mirrored ceilings and floors – in the elevator. Apparently, it is perfectly alright to let every stranger riding with me look up my skirt and down my blouse at the same time, so long as the house gets to charge several hundred dollars a ticket to the show… yet in the rooms the mirrors are expertly placed where it’s impossible to perform in front of them, so there’s no hope of an encore once I reach my floor. While I’m sure not every single traveler is anticipating a wild sexcapade on their journey, it would be nice to open up some possibilities when it comes to decor, especially since I suspect at least 30% of most off-season, weekday business in hotels is from ladies like myself, or gentlemen looking forward to some like-minded company. I could be a bit off on that number in either direction, but best make sure *all* the walls are soundproofed, just in case 🙂

Just a touch sour because the DC hotel I read about in Nylon last month has been getting terrible reviews. I can’t figure out if it’s because the place is ahead of it’s time, or if it was really poorly executed. A shame… I was really looking forward to staying there and trying out their space-age spiral shower!

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 29th, 2012 at 6:15 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.