The Mystery of Madame X

Hello Gentlemen –

Spring is in the air! And you know what that means… spring cleaning! I’ve got a new vacuum cleaner, and I suppose I’m finally ready to let go of (pieces of) my collection of leather skirts, mismatched underwear, and religious-themed jewelry. I also have to go through the site and dust it off a bit, and polish a few things up. Any suggestions? I updated my age in the details section – late 20’s will cover me for a few more years, I forgot to update it with my last birthday. I’ve crossed the quarter-centennial mark, so I’ll just let you know when I’m due to celebrate the big 30, lol. I also updated my favorite ice cream flavor, but that’s obsolete already – the new reigning favorite is Pineapple Coconut. Stay tuned.

It was also time to find a new favorite chocolate shop. I absolutely adored Tom and Sally’s – one of my favorite things about Brattleboro VT was their dark chocolate lab rat shaped truffles, followed up by their mint chocolate pasties! The chocolate bodypaint was pretty good too, and it even came with a real horsehair brush. Too bad they closed, or they would definitely still be my favorite. But, times change, and so my favor now shines on Portland Maine, where Dean’s Sweets continues to blow my mind! The dark chocolate ginger truffles are really good. The tequila lime truffles are insanely good. The lemon apricot chevre truffles are surprisingly good. And they’ve got *bacon*. Who doesn’t love bacon? I don’t care if you’re Jewish, Muslim, or vegetarian, just own up to it – you love bacon 🙂

Speaking of Maine – I go there sometimes. Mostly during the summer. If that is news to you, then it sounds like someone should be checking the calendar… you’ll see me on the NH seacoast quite a bit more often though. Again, mostly in the summer. Aside from that, I haven’t really had the presence of mind to come up with many summer plans – I’m just so glad it’s here! And I’m glad I get to be here for it 🙂 And I’m glad to get to spend some of it with you 🙂

Though I’m trying to be better about it (and sometimes I’m not sure why) most of my travels usually go unannounced. It’s not that I’m avoiding you or anything, it’s just that I do a lot of things that are in no way related to this facet of my life here, and it honestly slips my mind for the most part. Unless I see you across the beach (or the mall, or the post office, or whatever), and you give me that death stare like “you’re *here*? Why didn’t you call me?” Or you are with your friends or your wife and I can almost see you start to wilt like lettuce in the hot sun… Let’s take a moment here.

As hard as it may be for some of you to believe, I am a real person! Really! I am not a rockstar, even though I pretend to be when I’m in my car singing along with the radio 🙂 I am not an elusive spectre of the night that comes out only in pursuit of pleasure, though often I wish I was. Nope, I exist 24/7/365 like the rest of you. This means that I go grocery shopping, get oil changes on my car, go to the bar with my friends, and take my dog to the park. If you’re around my local area, meaning all of New England (I was never one to sit still) I may see you at some point, and you may see me.

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a life shattering experience. Unless you’ve told anyone, no one knows but us. Maybe your girlfriend if she was there. You do not need to hide, cover your face, leave the room, or adjust your tie and cough loudly. You also do not need to wave, call my name, or grab my butt (maybe if no one’s looking). You can choose to either know me or not, but really, there are no rules for who is allowed to know who in this world, so it’s not like saying hello to a woman automatically insinuates that you’ve spent some time sweating over the sheets with her. Something generic such as “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while” or “You look awfully familiar” is leaps and bounds better than leering at me like a perv from across the room, or shaking until your wife (I’d say husband, but women seem to intuitively know how to cheat, lol)  is driven to ask exactly what is suddenly the matter with you.

Generally, I will pretend not to know you. It’s nothing personal, really. I pretend not to know most people, lol. You’re busy, I’m busy, I don’t know where you’re going and you don’t know what I’m late for so maybe it’s just best to text me later and say you saw me. If you’re with someone, I’d rather not intrude, so let’s have the vice be versa, unless you also know the girl I’m with. I will not wave to you in front of your wife (or anyone), so there’s no need to worry about that. Although if you start sweating bullets and turn an autumnal shade of red with your eyes locked in my direction, you may has well have pointed me out and told her that I look much better naked. Please be discreet! Just act normal. Because really, there is nothing out of the ordinary about a short black girl running errands or going out, is there?

I’m not going to flip out if you do come over and say hi, so long as you’re respectful about it. I’ve had plenty of friends, professors, co workers, etc, so it shouldn’t be hard to figure out where you might know me from… just please don’t tell everyone I’m your girlfriend, or drug dealer. I’m neither, but I’ve been passed off as both. And don’t waste your time coming up with a seamless cover story for how we ended up having that wild one night stand in London last summer – also not smooth. I will probably flip out, depends on the occasion. I will definitely flip out if you just start following me because you can’t think of anything to say and hope you might think of something before I get to the end of the street. I don’t know what planet you think *I’m* from (planet awesome!), but some of you guys need to get the heck out of Uranus…

Of course that doesn’t actually apply to you, I was just preserving syntax 🙂 You guys are generally tactful, urbane creatures until the clothes come off. Most guys, if they make fools of themselves such the examples above, are usually cognizant enough of their error not to call me again, not that I would pick up anyway. However, sometimes it is not so easy to be a gentleman, and unpredictable situations ensue, forcing us to try our hand at experimental etiquette. Such as –

• You’re at work, knowing that you will be meeting with some consultants today, and you walk into the boardroom. There is a disinterested woman in the corner folding paper airplanes out of your agenda – Madame X. What do you do? Hmm… you could say hi. Leave it at that, and carry on with business as usual. We’ll take each other aside later and fill each other in on a possible back story. Or, we could fake meeting for the first time. I’ll follow our lead if you follow mine! This is probably the most likely scenario on the list, but it could get worse…
• You’re wife’s best friend is getting married for the 5th time, and so you’ve spiffed yourself up to accompany her once again, planning to hit the open bar for as long as it takes to make the night interesting. You’re wife’s friend’s boss’s son, who also makes a bee line for the bar, has brought a date! Enter Madame X. If it’s a situation where we’re doomed to spend the entire evening wallowing in the disjointed details of our backstory, it’s best not to have one – we’ll screw it up or step on each other at some point, and there’s too many people to refute it. Let’s meet again, shall we?
• You are at the bar, having a fun and lively time with a couple of your friends. I know how guys talk (or at least I imagine that you’re not altogether alien from women, so…) your friend is telling you about this great girl he’s been seeing. Great body, she’s a gymnast. Smoking hot round ass. Butter soft skin. nipples like hershey’s kisses. And she even makes a decent joke once in a while. He’s not telling you anything you don’t know already, because he’s talking about Madame X. What to do? You are on your own there, my friend. Far be it from me to tell a man how to treat his fellow man. Chances are he’s in on the same secret as you are, but it’s your call.
• Your son/daughter is quite the social butterfly, but that’s only to be expected. S/he has decided to make use of your beach house, and invite some friends up for the weekend. You decide that you could use a break as well, so you’ll spend the day up there, then leave them to get their respectful and non-housewrecking party on for the night. As the friends start showing up… so does Madame X. It is time to either come up with the most G rated cover story you can muster, or just get the hell out of dodge. I wouldn’t hold it against you either way. Unless you happen to have a daughter (and I can feel you cringing now so I’ll just put you at ease and say that this is not a true story) who is also involved in this lifestyle, there is very very little chance that they will be any the wiser this time around – the only friends I have that know about my presence here are my college friends that are also doing this, and none of us mention any names even to each other, unless of course it’s an official introduction.
• And the flipside – your friend tells you to swing by to pick up some speakers. Huge bass bombers with rubber cones, how could you say no? You sail down the driveway and pull up behind the garage, where you see a very familiar looking car. Your friend invites you in, apologizing for the fact that his daughter also decided to stop in for a bit. Inside is Madame X. For the love of Crust, you have never seen me before in your life!

By comparison, finding yourself standing behind me in line at the bank doesn’t seem like such a big deal, does it? I didn’t think so 🙂 Til we meet again!

~Mme X~

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Tags: etiquette, ice cream, Maine, NH

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 12th, 2011 at 2:26 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.