The Mystery of Madame X

Hello Gentlemen!

I really did mean to have a new  post up to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving, but it seems like I got back from California just in time to start baking pies. Which were delicious, btw. Thanksgiving is actually one of my favorite holidays, after Halloween and sometimes New Years and Easter. It’s just about the food – the crowd I usually eat with at Thanksgiving all prepare a delicious feast! A surprising hit was the corn souffle. It tastes way better than it sounds, I assure you. Anyway, we just barely had enough time to cram all the leftovers in the fridge before the Xmas (not to be confused with Christmas) season officially started and the clock chimed Black Friday. From here to the big day, I’ll probably need to pop an Ativan before walking into the mall… just kidding. I won’t be going to the mall again until January.  Thank God for the internet, once-click paypal checkout, and to the fine men and women of the USPS.

I actually did a large part of my holiday shopping on the left coast this year (and let those fine aforementioned men and women figure out how it was all getting back to my house, lol), and I was able to cross off the people that usually give me the most trouble (i.e. the people I already gave roombas to).  I realized though, that I didn’t get anything for myself. Not a single thing… unless you count ice cream, churros, sushi, and several hundred pictures. I just didn’t think of it, until I was unpacking boxes of other people’s presents.

Not that I’m deprived or anything! You gentlemen give me such wonderful gifts, I can only do my best to make sure that I deserve each and every one of them. With you guys, I really have everything I need… and much more lingerie than most women probably need, but I’m a special case 🙂 And thanks for the sex toys too! The flowers get dried, framed, and hung on the wall, and of course I eat the chocolate. The most precious gifts to me are that of your consideration and company! I know it sounds cheesy but it’s true… I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I appreciate you. Before things get *too* emotionally charged in here, I’ll share a funny joke with you!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that I bought you a couple years back, but don’t wear because you say they not the “in” name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots I bought you at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

On a tangentially related note, I couldn’t stop myself from picking up the latest Time magazine and pouring over the modern statistics of marriage. Maybe you did too? Anyway, I figured I could add a few personal observations on the subject, in terms of the subject which brings us all together here. Not to talk to you guys like you’re a freakish niche of the population here, but *some* of you might be surprised to know that *most* of you are single. I myself was surprised as to how many of you are in open marriages, which is awesome hope for my future, as I seek to enjoy such an arrangement once I finally sucker some poor person into moving into my house and living amidst my vast shoe collection. I’m still hoping to find a woman that will love me and share in my love of cock, swing clubs, traveling, and food… and hopefully also enjoys watching baby seals play in the surf, going to obscure jazz clubs, and occasionally getting freaky with electricity 🙂 Ideally, I’d like such a woman not to throw all of my money to the wind, or ruin the organization of my house. If I can find such a woman, I’ll happily consider joining the 41% of the population who believe that marriage is still a practical option in modern relationships.

Equally as appealing would be a man who doesn’t freak out for no apparent reason when I proceed to live my life exactly the way I *said* I was going to, or suffer a complete nervous breakdown when he realizes that freaking out isn’t making me change my mind. Oh, and he’d have to like sex a lot 🙂

Happy horny holiday1 brought to you by PornHub

Tags: ice cream

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 28th, 2010 at 1:13 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.