The Kiss-and-Tell Tutorial

Hello Gentlemen –

Happy Halloween! I just finished watching the bulk of colored leaves fall from the trees, and am looking forward to once again sailing down my country roads at normal country speeds. For those of you live in areas un-scenic enough to be free of Sunday Drivers, consider yourselves lucky. Somehow, the quick onset of fall has pushed me into a rather un-festive mood  this holiday season – I have no Halloween parties planned, and have not yet bought a single costume (but a sincere thank you for all the new ones that came in early this year… I don’t think anything is going to top the latex nurse outfit this year, lol). I bought a pumpkin at the store today, but can’t figure out what I want to carve it into… *sigh*. I did get my share of fall fun this weekend, hiking up in the Berkshires with my puppy and decompressing at the spa the day before and after. I failed to make any new culinary discoveries, but I did find out that someone in the boondocks is making a rather fine gin! I’ll have to make sure to try some next time I head out to Bash Bish so that I can share some with my friends while it’s in season. It’s a shame… my tongue is more interested in more seasonal spirits (thanks for that too, btw), but that gin definitely deserves more than one exploratory sip.

Not sure how to broach this particular topic, since I generally tend to be a woman of flowery speech and the delicate turn of a phrase… however I realize that there a few things that I have yet to expressly state to many of you, and while the majority of you are attentive enough to me to act intuitively in line with my wishes, I occasionally encounter a man who’s intentions eclipse my implications entirely. That’s all well and good, I like my men with balls, lol. Getting what you want is fine by me, so long as you get it how I want you to. In this particular case, I’m talking about something you’ll rarely find me saying much about – review boards.

I’m not really one to kiss and tell… and I’m told by many of you that I’m all the more valued for this virtue. While many of the men who volunteer to review me have nothing but the most pleasant, generous intentions (there is always the occasional asshole who thinks that the threat of a poor review is going to make me want to be more intimate with them. Go figure), attention is not really what I’m after in this lifestyle. First and foremost, while I’m sure you feel safe and secure with me, let’s not forget how our activities measure up against societal standards. I’m all for the libertine lifestyle, and perhaps you are as well. Perhaps you’re even lucky enough to have no encumbrances  to hide your indulgences from! Whoever you are and however you live, please do remember that as long as you’re in the land of the free, we’ve got some voyeurism going on. The uncomfortable kind. To put it bluntly, I really don’t need you to post a dirty story to give Big Brother a hard on for me. I really do appreciate the gesture, but when you’re with me, I have all the attention I want.

Secondly, while I can understand that any available service needs to be examined by the discerning shopper, I don’t really consider myself to be a Jiffy Lube. If a particular man and I click in such a way that I feel an urge to indulge in some activities in which I sense he has a strong craving and considerable skills for, then I’m going to go where the chemistry takes me. I don’t argue with science, lol. However, I don’t want to be subject to the rudeness that ensues when Mr. Awkward and Self-Entitled comes in and demands pages 20-25 of the Karma Sutra because he read a fantasy story somewhere online that I did something like that with Mr. Debonair. Furthermore, I’ve been seeing some of you for the better half of the decade. If, after 3-4 years I decide that I trust you enough to test out a few kinks, I don’t need a public summary of our wild ride posted so that every kink-curious loser comes to me to try and learn the ropes. In other words, with me there is no “menu”, there are no ratings, and aside from YMMV, there are no friggin’ acronyms. So quit raving about my “authentic” attitude and just relax and have a real good time.

Third… this one’s the hard one, as I’m not sure whether or not I’m just b*tching here now, lol. While I’ve met so many men in this life that I enjoy *immensely* (my life is seriously so much better for the knowing you guys, it’s been so much fun), public outbursts also bring the attention of men that I could really do without, men who no doubt would have hit on lower hanging fruit if I just kept the low profile I usually like to. Complaining is a habit I try hard to resist… I believe my point is best summed up by the following email, which surprisingly is the most coherent of the 63 I got in the 4 hours after my latest review was posted –

I am a professional and have been looking at your site and reading  some of your very nice reviews.  I’m wondering if you may be doing incall service this afternoon.  I am going to be online for a short period of time so hope you get this soon.  I can provide references if you are interested and have some time.

While this message may be comprised of complete sentences, it also demonstrates that while the man has read all of my fascinating reviews (an achievement which he is pleased to announce! I on the other hand, only read the first one) he has obviously read *none* of my site (just looking at it, eh?). Of course, he hasn’t had time, this afternoon is coming right up! Whatever day *that* was, lol. If only he had caught me on that other sunny afternoon where I was sitting in a hotel (in any city apparently – he didn’t state where he was)  staring at my email inbox waiting for a generic sounding email to roll in with no verifiable information in it, he so would have made my day. So boys, sorry to break it to you, but most of your audience doesn’t really appreciate the depth of your literary skill. Don’t waste your talents on undeserving eyes – submit to literotica instead 🙂

I’m not totally against the entire practice… after all, caveat emptor. If you want to get your two free weeks access to other people’s dirty secrets, who am I to stop you? I think I would be slightly overstepping my bounds to tell you what to do with your memories, but don’t expect me to be as thrilled with your latest literary achievement as I was with that Cognac! If you *are* going to kiss and tell, please remember to leave the pillow talk on the pillow. My name is Madame X, and I’m a lady of erotic interests and prurient pleasures. If, somewhere during the course of our encounter, we speak of things that are deeper than just carnal conversation (I do like dirty talk), then leave that where it lies. I hope my words aren’t too delicate to hold up the importance of my point here – If you do have to say anything, than just say what’s relevant to the platform you’re presenting to. Respect my privacy, and do justice to the good man I assume you are when we meet.

As with all of my less-than-positive posts, this really has nothing to do with most of you, probably none of you at all – I just had to get it off my chest. Now, back to the pages of one-line emails telling me how hot I am, asking me if I do 5 minutes sessions, and wondering when I’ll be in Athens…

Oh, but before I go, I should tell you that I’ll be in San Francisco soon, LA shortly thereafter, and I’ll be posting some new photos in the gallery. The green ones. They totally look like I put my camera on a tripod and jumped around on the bed, because that’s pretty much exactly what happened. Authentic? I’d say so 🙂 I did screw around with the color channels a little bit, I was trying to enhance the green. You’ll see.

~Mme X~

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