Posts Tagged ‘ettiquette’

Playing it Safe *part deux*

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

Hello Gentlemen!

Hmm… been a while, hasn’t it? I sincerely hope you enjoyed your winter holidays, had a happy New Year, and are looking forward to a fantastic Valentine’s Day. I had a great Christmas, a wonderful New Years, and it looks like I’m going to be working (in Boston) on Valentine’s Day… unless you have other plans for me that I can try to sneak in as well πŸ™‚

Questions have come up here and again about my blog posts. What are they about? No, they’re not about you, usually. It’s more that they’re about a *lot* of you, and I’m just exploring a pattern that’s surfaced a noticeable number of times in the drawn out silence between here and my last blog post.

Guys and girls, it is high time we had a talk – the serious kind of talk where no one gets naked and starts groping each other as I usually like my conversations to go, maybe even the kind of talk so serious that cuddling feels awkward. Still, I know a lot of you need to hear it, so please keep your hands out of your pants until I play the porn video at the bottom. *Don’t scroll down*

The internet is a wonderful place, as I’m sure you’ve seen. So much can happen here! The near limitless power of human imagination amplified by the speed of technological capabilities, which in turn fuel and are fueled by deeper and more powerful imagination – it’s breathtaking. It’s like the Amazon rainforest, with hundreds of types of birds you’ve never seen, who will undoubtedly have evolved into new types of birds by the time you run into them again. Unfortunately, much like the Amazon rainforest, it’s ridiculously dangerous. There’s a few cities like Belem, Manaus, and Backpage that are dangerous in familiar ways, and a vast stretch of wilderness that holds more terrifying things than you can imagine. Whether you choose to battle low life street thugs or risk being bitten by a rare species of spider while trekking off in search of an unspoiled view – stay safe, never *ever* drink the water, and always check your shoes before you put them on.

Certainly easier said than done, especially when the locals are out to swindle you for more than you have, your tour guide is constantly trying to tack on extra fees and introduce you to his friends (and leave you clinging to a tree if you dare refuse), and Google and GPS haven’t even found the good stuff yet, but will happily show you an anaconda nest that they stumbled upon last week – who knows, you might Digg it.

On any voyage, it is essential to equip yourself properly. Ladies, let’s start with you. Your site! I track traffic coming into my site, and you’d be surprised at the percentage of traffic that checks my whois. Of course, I don’t display my information there, but I’m shocked at the number of ladies who do! I didn’t even want to say anything, as now all the otherwise clueless creeps are going to run around checking out the whois databases every time they see a hot chick, but this has really got to stop. Contact your host today and change your registry info. Better yet, switch hosts altogether, and look for one in an exotic location that you’d need an updated passport to get to. There’s a number of good ones that will never have your info to begin with, let alone display it *publicly* until you tell them otherwise! Also, give serious thought to your email host. Does it come with a lot of bells and whistles and happily offer to integrate with everything else you own? Dump it. I’m sorry, but if you like certain features you can google alternatives and clone scripts that you can install on your own server. Even google will begrudgingly let you know that GMX offers the same style of organization as gmail with none of the ads (you know how they target those ads, right? By reading your mail!), spiders, regularly amended privacy policies, or unnecessary traffic. Don’t access things from your phone – I have a friend who proved it is possible to accidentally hack into a stranger’s phone while taking a long bumpy ride on the L, and infinitely much easier to do it intentionally. Girls, keep reading through the rest, if you’re going to switch hosts or even put up a new site it’s better to do it once the right way than try to fix what’s been done.Β  Block spiders from the get go. Depending on what platform you’re using, it’s simple. For those of you that for some reason think unfiltered internet traffic is a good thing (it’s not), be aware that you can block some spiders and allow others. Stay on top of your vaccines, as new spiders are always evolving. As an aside, you did know that the higher caliber of facial recognition software can identify you even from blurred images, right?

Where to begin with you boys? No one likes to tackle the topic of men’s safety, it seems. We both know why that is. But we’re a team here, and we can’t have the ladies without the gents and vice versa. We all have a responsibility to each other to play safe. I know I’m like the 50th person this week to tell you to have a dedicated email for this kind of thing, and I assure you there will be a 51st. Maybe you could try listening to the 52nd or 53rd person. *Hypothetically* if someone googled your email address, or even the first part of your email address, or maybe just the main part of the name attached to the email address, what would come up? All of your TER posts (even the ones you didn’t think anyone could see), reviews on obscure sites, those nasty Youtube comments, and maybe your WoW account. Shocked? Check out the less commercialized search engines, and you’ll find even more things! If some adult stuff comes up, then you’d better make sure that only adult stuff is attached to that name, and not your vanilla life too. It’s also nice to check periodically and see if someone is using your accounts without your permission. This usually falls under girl troubles, but I’ve seen it happen to a small handful of men recently as well. Very recently. Just so you know.

Oh, and about that browsing. Are you seriously still just *on the internet*? Oh, don’t worry about you because you paid for Norton? That’s like diving into a tropical cove to swim with dolphins, thinking that they won’t be interested in the open wound that’s on your leg. They’re not – but sharks and dolphins eat the same things and go the same places. And Flipper hasn’t known you long enough to feel like he has to fight off sharks on your behalf, especially if you’re going to go around acting like a fool and scare away his dinner. So, here’s the deal – you need a proxy browser. Goggle can help you find one for you, but be warned that they will try to steer you toward ones that operate on a remote server instead of on your actual machine, so that they can still collect some device info from you on the way out (they’re in the business of selling information, so you can’t blame them for trying). Basically, a proxy plays musical chairs with your IP address so that a casual observer can not see your visit onto a certain websites that they either own or have hacked into and track you back to where you sit. Especially important, as these casual observers may decide to ghost you and turn on your webcam so they can get a good look at you. Porn sites get hacked constantly, so don’t get caught in the act!

Yeah, this stuff is serious, right? Makes you want to freak out and get a whole separate computer. Go right ahead! It’s quite possible to turn your computer into 2, 10, or 20 without ever purchasing anything (except extra RAM if need be). Look up virtual machines, there are some very nice utilities out there that can quickly grant your wish for infinite computers. When you suspect a breach, get a virus, or just don’t feel like carrying around extra baggage anymore, you can ditch the entire computer, access logs and files and all, with the ease of a right click. Click new, and a fresh, shiny and capable pc (or mac if that’s you’re thing… I suggest you to taste the Linux, it’s delicious) unfolds in front of you and cheerfully offers its services. It’s like unlocking infinite lives in Mario World. I’m sure that soon (if not now, I haven’t checked since the summer) you can even install a light virtual machine on your phone.

On that note, please disable your phone if you’re going someplace you don’t want everyone to know about. And get a dedicated phone. They have virtual phones too, btw, so you don’t have to buy anything (which is really only an issue because buying anything leaves a record of having bought whatever it was). Google is still good for something after all πŸ™‚

Well, this certainly is a long post! I would have cut it short halfway, but I didn’t really like the thought of Playing it Safe *part trois* πŸ™‚ As it is though, I left a lot out, but the message should still be clear – be careful! If I, with no formal training beyond minor user experience and trial and error (so many errors, believe me) can trip over all this extra information, just imagine who else might. Long lost friends, distant relatives, potential employees/employers, teachers or students. That chick that you met last summer who lost your card before she got home, but thinks she might remember your name.Β  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! These days, girls will pretty much consider you undateable if your google trail includes pages and pages of twisted porn and a profile on every possible dating site.

I did promise you porn, didn’t I?

~Mme X~


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Assume = Ass + u + me

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

Hello Gentlemen –

We’re 11 days into 2011… hopefully not too late for me to wish you a happy New Year? I really enjoyed 2010, and while 2011 looks like it’s going to be drastically different for me, I still think it’s going to be fun πŸ™‚ Commitments will most likely beΒ  keeping me pretty close to home for most of the remaining winter…Β  however I *really* really want to try sneaking out to San Francisco again. We’ll see what happens, won’t we?

It’s come to my attention that I really have to pay closer attention to posting my local tour dates. In my mind, my local area is New England so I don’t really think it’s necessary to note whether or not I’m in northern CT or Southern VT. I’m used to rural life for the most part so distances less than 45 miles don’t really strike me as worthy of public announcement, especially since I’ll only be there for a few hours anyway. However, I can appreciate that some of you considerate gentlemen don’t want to take me too far out of my way, and would rather not risk the imposition of inviting me out to the NH Seacoast when I’ve already accepted another engagement out by the casino. It just never really occurred to me since a lot of my time is spent at off the wall places that many of you would probably have to dig up on google (there is a Peru MA, and it isΒ  beautiful), so it’s not like you’ll look up and be thrilled that I’m so close by, lol. Well… maybe one of you might be, every once in a while πŸ™‚

Yes, that really *is* Naomi Campbell

Other things that have come to my attention that I would like to see if you’d like brought to yours – I also seem to have a weird sense of humor. Myself, I find just about everything hilarious (except spilled milk – it’s devastatingly tragic) and occasionally I find that I might even make a joke that you’ll laugh at as well! So, while we’re all laughing, it only just occurred to me that we might be laughing for different reasons…

I’m not making a profound point here, I swear. Really, this all comes to mind because of a conversation I had recently, with a random person who had by chance noticed my site. This man seemed to find the joke in my FAQ about Greece incredibly funny, and focused a good deal of the conversation upon it. While the rest of the conversation rapidly revealed to me that this man and I would probably not make a match for many reasons (if you like carefully maintained manicures, alluringly trashy tattoos, huge hoop earrings and Barbie doll bald pussies, that’s wonderful! However that’s not me, so no point in setting us both up for disappointment), it was hilarious to me that while he thought my quip was witty, he had entirely missed the original intent of it. He had assumed, simply because I asked the same question of my questioner, that I would never imagine ever putting anyone’s eager appendage up my butt, because lord knows no man would ever want anything up *his* butt, right? Of course such a reversal as a response would mean that we’d all have to be *crazy* to enjoy anal sex! Of course I wouldn’t do it. Would you?! I didn’t think so. How clever I am, for finding such a diplomatic way to decline such disgusting propositions.

And if that’s your attitude about anal sex, then you’re absolutely right. Stay the fvck away from my back door, buddy. But for the rest of you who see no reason why an alternate point of entry shouldn’t be a fun and exciting experience that *anyone* can enjoy, I don’t see why not either. It’s wonderful when it’s done right, as I’m sure you can agree. Not sure how to do it right? Well, first consider how you like it done, and then perhaps I can offer a few personal pointers as to how I like it done. Everyone’s different! I have a couple of different strap ons as well…

When someone talks to me about going Greek, I wonder if fraternities are really taking just *anyone* these days?

~Mme X~


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